#RSRSeesTheUSA Day 13: Santa Fe, NM
A gorgeous morning visit to Georgia O’Keeffe’s House and Studio in Abiquiú was a real highlight. So much dedication to such a specific aesthetic has got to be admired. As someone who’s been missing my own home space that’s been decorated just so, I was really feeling the way in which this woman so skillfully managed to make her living space feel like art unto itself.
Add to that yet more visiting with yet more friends (this officially means that each of my days in Santa Fe included meeting up with people who all happened to be in town while I was here).
Add to that two delicious meals and a belly full of chile and cheese.
Add to that an actual hike in the actual outdoors.
It all adds to a very full and heart-hugging day.
Today is my last day in Santa Fe, and I’m changing plans for tomorrow. Instead of heading southwest from here toward The Lightning Field (aw, dammit, you actually have to book an overnight stay and can’t go as a daytime visitor) and Taliesin West (maybe?), I’m going to head north to Ojo Caliente for some hot tub soaking and then figure out where to head from there.
Actually, just typing that made me feel a little nervous and dry-mouthed. By Wednesday, I’ve got to be in Joshua Tree for the Wellesley pals reunion weekend that was the initial destination that motivated this trip.
But for the next three days, I don’t really have a plan at all. I don’t know where I’m going to stop, and this is the section of the trip that I’m hoping to do some camping (and/or perhaps car camping in the back of Stella). I’ve never truly gone camping on my own before, and I’d like to do it. That doesn’t mean I’m not still anxious about it.
For as wonderful and beautiful as today was, I’m ending it feeling overwhelmed by choice about where to go and how to approach this entirely unstructured time. Before this trip, I plotted out my general route, and stuck to it more or less throughout (except when there was a tiny house Airbnb with its own hot tub or I zoomed straight from Oklahoma City to Santa Fe), but now I’m faced with my first truly unplanned moves.
There is, of course, a whole host of my familiar anxiety comments swirling in my head and ready to pile on top of each other. Whatever you decide will be fine, just CHOOSE. Why can’t you make such a simple decision? You could have planned this out, but you’ve been procrastinating. You’re a twerp for worrying about this when it’s such a privileged problem to have. Can’t you just focus on the parts of the today that were so great? What route am I going to take when it’s time to turn toward home?
(and, certainly, with some good old what am I doing with my life? sprinkled in there for seasoning)
I’m sure you probably have your own versions of these, and your own ways of feeling inadequate or like an imposter when they show up.
So here’s how I’m handling it:
Taking a shower for some tactile soothing
Going to bed instead of continuing to wallow around in stress (it’s past my bedtime)
(the hardest one) thanking my anxiety
Writing this post
Trying to be kinder to myself, I will say that these four things are actually not a terrible distillation of key learnings I took out of my experience during the last couple of years’ stress and upheaval.
Pay attention to what your physical body needs from you
Don’t take good sleep for granted and do what you can to protect it
Daily meditation and therapy advice to acknowledge difficult emotions
Being vulnerable and asking for help may still be scary, but will mostly only do you good
Cloud of the day: the delicate filmy layers of smoky white across the desert seen from Georgia O’Keeffe’s bedroom.
